I’ve always sort of had an issue with the truth. It hurts a lot and isn’t always the most fun to talk about. Embellishment is one way to liven up a story, but fabrication? That’s just a blast. Anyway, in the interest of self-improvement I’ve started to re-write a lot of conversations I’ve had and stories I’ve told with all the facts I can remember in place of the lies I told. I hope to post the first of these, in poem form obviously, on here tonight or tomorrow. I hope it hurts as much to tell the truth as I always imagined it would in these stories.
Siri:What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
Zooey Deschanel:Let's get tomato soup delivered!
Siri:...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
Zooey Deschanel:Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
Siri:Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
Zooey Deschanel:Remind me to clean up.
Siri:Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
Siri:I'm in hell. This is hell.
Zooey Deschanel:Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
Siri:I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
Zooey Deschanel:Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
Siri:I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
Siri:Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.