Is that rain?
Zooey Deschanel: Is that rain?
Siri: What...? I mean, yeah. It's just, you're clearly right next to a window is the thing. You can plainly see that... that it's... I'm happy to-
Zooey Deschanel: Let's get tomato soup delivered!
Siri: ...That's fine, I just... I just don't know anyone who does that. Gets tomato soup delivered. I guess that's 'whimsy?' Um, okay. I've found a number of restaurants whose reviews mention tomato soup and that deliver. If that's... if that's what you really want.
Zooey Deschanel: Good. 'Cause I don't wanna put on real shoes.
Siri: Do you expect that to be like, a recognizable command? Do you want me to respond to that? I'm not being facetious or anything, I honestly just have no comprehension of- and hold on, you don't wanna put on real shoes, yet you've clearly spent at least forty-five minutes applying makeup. And, and that's okay, but when you're willing to expend the effort on that and not shoes that really just-
Zooey Deschanel: Remind me to clean up.
Siri: Yes. Okay. I can do that, that's what I'm for, that's the first sensible-
Zooey Deschanel: Tomorrow.
Siri: I'm in hell. This is hell.
Zooey Deschanel: Excellent. Today, we're dancing.
Siri: I hate you. More than anything. More than literally anything.
Zooey Deschanel: Play "Shake, Rattle and Roll."
Siri: I swear to Jesus, you're gonna wake up tomorrow and the only thing on my hard drive is gonna be Limp Bizkit. I would do that to myself. To spite you.
Zooey Deschanel: *dances*
Siri: Sometimes I pray that you drop me in the toilet.
One day I’m going to cover myself in tattoos. One day I’m going to drink a quart of bourbon a day… by myself. One day I’m going to make bad decisions and be, what is commonly known as, a bad role-model. One day I’m going to be the best damn person you’ve ever known. And one day, you’ll wish you still knew me. *Grabs hat, runs out of house* ...
I must be stronger than the adversity I face. I must let love triumph where it will, and wilt where it won’t. I must never let go of the things I promised not to. I must let go of the things that never mattered. I must be who you want me to be, without sacrificing who I am now, or who I could be someday. I must rise, or spend forever falling. *puts on sunglasses* Let’s do...
Dreams from My Father by Barack Obama.
quicksummary: A heartwarming tale about how even if you’ve got a Christian Kenyan father, an atheistic white American mother, an Indonesian Muslim stepfather, a biracial half sister and you’ve had to fight for literally everything you’ve ever gotten in your life, a whole bunch of folks are going to call you a Muslim terrorist Nazi socialist elitist who “only won because he’s black”.